Happy Anniversary

I have lived and taught in Chicago for one year. I never thought I would make it this far. During the last year, I taught seventh grade math, second grade, and kindergarten. I became exponentially happier and better at my job with each younger grade. Maybe it's the height difference (kindergarteners are actually shorter than me), or maybe it's the innocence (and lack of malice). I can't quite explain my emotions having completed my first year of Teach For America, but I can definitely say it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Was it worth it? With hesitation, yes. When things were bad, they were really bad. When things were good, it was still tough.

I was naive. I thought students would listen to their teacher and say yes ma'am and no ma'am. I had no idea how difficult classroom management was...especially with 32 students per teacher. I felt like I was thrown into a lion's den for my students to eat me alive. Opening up a brand new school with almost all first-year teachers and first-year administrators proved to be challenging. Nobody knew what was going on, and resources were rarely available. I was bullied by administration, and I took it so personally at the beginning. It's still personal, but I have thicker skin now and know how to advocate for myself. Like when my school director ENCOURAGED ME TO QUIT, I said no and contacted TFA. When I would doze off on my drive to work during the first half of the year, I would think, "at least I don't have to go to work if I get into an accident." The work load and grad school combination felt like (college) finals week every week in terms of high stress and lack of sleep. I applied and interviewed for other jobs with my family's encouragement, but God had plans for me to stay. I blacked out large parts of the beginning of my teaching career. I think it was a coping mechanism.

Things got better, and life became sustainable. Now, I couldn't imagine life without my kids. I never knew what unconditional love felt like before teaching kindergarten. I love them, so I teach them. I love them, so I discipline them. I love them, so I brag on them. If I did everything else wrong this year, at least I loved my kids. Like E.E. Cummings wrote, "I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)."

This anniversary is bittersweet.

{Wait, does this mean I'm not the best teacher?}