Wow. I had to take a moment to let it sink in.
I have a pride complex that doesn't allow me to show much emotion to others, so I immediately started fighting back tears. I mustered up enough voice to say, "Thank you. I wish he was too." Two hours later, I broke down in my car alone.
You see, this statement from a complete stranger spoke truth into my life. Admitting the truth to myself has recently been my biggest struggle.
My dad passed away over 5 years ago from cancer. I was a senior in high school. It was the single life event that has had the most impact on me, even still. My dad was a tough man. He was a farmer/rancher who served 36 years in the military. As much as I like to think of myself as a "Daddy's Girl," I was terrified of him for most of my life. I sought day in and day out to feel his pride, and at the age of 17, I felt it for the first time after completing my first marathon and placing 2nd in my age division. I felt like I had to do something extraordinary (at least for a high school student) to even gain his attention.
When his health started declining, I started building a once absent relationship with him. This is when it was my turn to feel proud of my dad. He truly fought till the end. Very admirable.
During my college career, I was apart of an incredible nonprofit at The University of Texas called Texas 4000. Each summer a team of students bicycles from Austin, TX to Anchorage, AK to spread hope, knowledge and charity to fight cancer. The money raised is donated to cancer research as MD Anderson in Houston, TX. This was the best decision I have ever made. In 2009 when I participated, a documentary crew followed us the whole summer. I was one of the cyclists who was featured in the film, Texas 4000, because my summer was dedicated to my dad.
I didn't receive a copy of the finished product until late last year. I watched it with my family over Thanksgiving and narrated most of it, so I wasn't paying full attention. Then, I lent it to a friend. After he finished watching it, he asked me if I would still say the same things today as I did in my interviews from 2009. "Sure," I said without remembering many details from my actual words.
Several weeks ago, I popped in the DVD to watch it alone. I was able to pick up on so much more than I originally had. One statement in particular, I spoke about how I felt my dad's pride as we rode through the Colorado Rockies on Father's Day because it was the one region of the country that reminds me most of him.
If I knew it then, how did I forget about it now?
Last fall, I was running with one of my good girlfriends. Several times a year when we're in the same city, we go for a long run and hash it out. On this run, I admitted to her that I was unsure if my dad would be proud of me today, and that I was oddly comforted by the fact that I would never know for certain. Actually, it bothered me that I would never know for certain, but not knowing was better than knowing disappointment.
My dad would disagree with my Alma Mater, my degree, my political views, my diet, and so many more. My mind was confusing disagreement with disappointment. The truth of the matter is I have stayed true to myself, and I'm marching my own march. I don't know where it's going to take me, but I'm moving in the direction of progress. OF COURSE my dad would be proud of me.
Back to the stranger's comment at my friend's wedding... It was truly a poignant moment 5 years in the making. Thank you, Stranger. I felt released from an uncertainty and confident in the truth.
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| Circa 1990 |
Hey Susan!! It's John from NYC (AHRC)..loved reading this. I was reading this over Young the Giant, and it was the perfect sound to your words. Anyway, I think you've done a lot of inspiring things in your life..you're young and your dad would be so PROUD of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, John!! I love hearing feedback from those I care most about. I listened to Young the Giant and reread this. I agree, it was perfect.
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